It’s probably not even possible to pinpoint a single moment in time for which this story began. I’ll start with: Over a month ago, I had a conversation with a mentor who suggested I ask the universe to remove from me my grandiosity (thinking I can control or fix another person), and replace it with knowing I can rely on my higher power/the universe. When she said that, I was taken back: rely on something outside of me? Not sure I can do that…even though I have purportedly been doing this for over 30 years. hmmm. This was definitely a wake-up call.
Then a few weeks later, while looking for children’s books in Spanish to help me learn this language, after purchasing said books, and walking out the door, to the porch and sidewalk filled with books, as was the tiny house, filled everywhere you looked, from ceiling to floor with more and more books — Wallace Books in Sellwood – I spied a $1 book on the porch: Everyday Grace by Marianne Williamson. I’d never heard of this book, but I’ve read some of her books in the past, and always found them helpful, so back inside I went to purchase this gem.
And gem it is – there’s a whole chapter on Sacred Silence – including a hypothetical: if the entire world could sit in sacred silence for 24 hours, we’d have the psychic collective shift we so desperately need. OK, I thought. I’ll start sitting with these new instructions in mind: kindness to myself and everyone else – asking for divine guidance to get me through my day, etc, etc.
She writes like this is a piece of cake. No piece of cake for me. I have done this two mornings, sitting longer than I ever thought possible, but not without thoughts, and not without my share of tears. How can I trust anything or anyone? Given my history, it’s rational to have these thoughts — however, I don’t live with drama or trauma any longer, so I’d really like to outgrow this mistrust of the universe. On an intellectual level, I know it’s always had my back, even if I was so turned around I couldn’t see that.
I’ll continue to try to sit and move beyond my fears — asking for my fears to be released, and replaced with compassion for self and others. Same with my judgments: please replace them with compassion. Judgments block the sunlight of the spirit pretty darn quick.
Can I do this without my motivation being that I need to save the whole world? Can I focus on just saving me for now? I’ll ask the universe for some help, and try to sit in sacred silence so I can hear some answers.